Content Creator Tony is back this week with another installment of TonySPN, a recurring series covering the weird wide world of sports!

From the time we were young, we had a near-universal truth instilled in us: Butts are funny. I’m sure there is some really good scientific, sociological explanation for why that is, but delving into that sounds like a lot more work than saying “Butts are funny.”

The timeless comedy of butts is a reason why, in the February 21 edition of the Morning Rounds, I wanted to talk about Legendary Old Hockey Guy Jaromir Jagr. Somehow there’s been even more Jagr-related news after a truckload of Jagr Bobbleheads got hijacked, but this is no time to talk about Jagr’s head.

No, Dedicated Morning Rounds Readers, I have to give an apology from February 21. I promised the ability to read about Jaromir Jagr’s ass, only to discover that many were denied access to this New York Daily News Article from 2006 via a paywall. We obviously can’t re-print it in its entirety, but you all deserve highlights from author Sherry Ross’ two nights of observing Jagr’s butt:

“Jagr is the J. Lo of the NHL when it comes to booty.” (Ed. Note: This was 2006, after all)
“‘It blocks out the sun,’ said [New York] Rangers coach Tom Renney.”
“When it comes to the league’s MVP – Most Valuable Posterior – Jagr is heads, and tails, above the rest.”
“‘Like Shaq,’ said Jagr of his incredible asset, pronouncing the nickname of the Miami Heat powerhouse as ‘shock.’”

Butts might be more prominent in other sports, as in basketball. Jagr mentions Shaquille O’Neal, the all-time great basketball player whose ass made him an unmovable object near the basket. “Boxing out” is a skill that, as these WikiHow diagrams hilariously show, requires you to turn the other other cheeks to your opponents.

Butts also show up in football, with the infamous Butt Fumble being the most memorable example. The play is so enduring that it has its own Wikipedia page – with over 1,000 words dedicated to the sub-section “The Butt Fumble’s Legacy” alone. Tom Brady, who was on the opposite side of quarterback Mark Sanchez (the Butt Fumbler) in that Thanksgiving game, reflected on the incident later, saying, “The first time I saw [the replay] I laughed out loud to myself in a room by myself for 20 seconds.” The Butt Fumble finished as the No. 1 play on ESPN’s “Not Top 10” segment for an unprecedented 40 straight weeks.

Hockey Butts are a less talked about, but still crucial phenomenon, and Jagr might take up all four spots on a hypothetical Hockey Butt Mount Rushmore. Jagr started his NHL career at 18, where the main show with him was his speed and flashy skills. Those weren’t the secret to his ability to play in the NHL until age 45, though. That came from his ass.

Much of a hockey player’s skating power is generated from their quads and glutes, which means that many NHL players are, to put it in as cringe-worthy a way as possible, down with the thiccness. Still, Jagr was a posterior pioneer, innovating by using his butt like a basketball player, boxing out defenders around the net and staying in position to use his stick to deflect shots and get to rebounds.

“It’s a tough game to play against a guy like Jagr,” said teammate Nick Bjugstad – a large man himself, at 6-foot-6 – back in 2016, when Jagr was a spry 44-year-old. “He just sticks his butt out and makes plays.”

Hell, Jagr’s butt even made plays for him. The cheeky Czech passed Mark Messier for second in all-time points by putting the “ass” in “assist,” having a shot deflect off his butt, into the goalie’s chest, and right onto the stick of teammate Sasha Barkov. He’s mighty, but not superhuman, as evidenced by replays showing him grab at his buttocks in pain afterward.

The game paused for a curtain call to recognize the moment and present a gold stick to Jagr. His response to the crowd when asked of his thoughts in the moment? “I thought I’d score a goal or make a beautiful assist, but it hit my ass. Thought it was gonna be a bit prettier.”

Jagr’s butt is maybe the most influential body part in hockey, with many players looking up to it. Just ask fellow Czech player Tomas Hertl, currently on the Vegas Golden Knights – who 1) wasn’t even alive for Jagr’s first 249 NHL games and 102 goals and 2) is coincidentally associated with another taboo body part. In 2014, he told reporter Tom Gulitti: “I try to play the same style because I have the same big ass.”

You can also see the ripple effects from Jagr’s rippling glutes in Sidney Crosby, who, like Jagr before him, is staying elite as he ages thanks to his ass. At age 36, he’s one of the oldest players in NHL history to score 40 goals, and his lower-body strength (that’s a more flowery way to say “giant butt”) is a key part of his longevity. For what Crosby’s butt lacks in press, it does have a Facebook Fan Page with nearly 1,300 likes.

I know what you’re thinking: How in the hell do hockey players find pants? This question was answered in 2019 by Emily Kaplan of ESPN, who went around the league trying to answer this question. There are a lot of juicy comments in here if you want to read more, but we’ll shout-out current Chicago Blackhawks defenseman Connor Murphy for being a nice dude during a frustrating experience at Bloomingdale’s: “The saleswoman was really helpful, so I literally bought a pair because I felt bad for her – even though they didn’t fit and I knew I was going to return them later.”

At least one business has tried to address the more Jagr-esque customer base. “My name is Dylan Larkin, and I have a Hockey Butt,” begins a 2019 advertisement for State and Liberty Clothing Company, starring the Detroit Red Wings’ star center. He spends the next minute recounting the specificities he requires for pants, and also busting. It’s a heartwarming commercial.

So when you tune in for the Stanley Cup Playoffs later this month, keep your eyes on those Hockey Butts. Anything else would be a waist of time.