Content Creator Tony is here today to talk about the niche world of branded cereals.

Recently, I attended a friend’s birthday party (Happy Birthday, Jewls!) which had a cereal swap as its main event. Having limited exposure to cereals growing up, particularly those of the sugary and fun variety, it was an opportunity for her to experience the bowls of Cookie Crisp and Apple Jacks she never had.

For the curious, my contributions to the cereal swap were, to no regular FKIA readers’ surprise, “Pokémon” Cereal (earning a review of “Surprisingly good,” though I respectfully disagree) and the GOAT of all cereals, Peanut Butter Crunch (“Lives up to the hype”).

A playlist of vintage cereal commercials ran on the television throughout the event. By chance, I looked at the TV at the exact moment it played an advertisement for “Urkel-Os.” I was flummoxed by this. Urkel-Os? They existed? Was this some joke? Could I really get Urkel-ized, as the ad promises?

I couldn’t rule out the possibility of it being some kind of sketch or prank. A fake advertisement for “Meatloaf Crunch” from over 20 years ago is somehow still burned into my brain. But folks, it’s real. There was, indeed, a Steve Urkel themed cereal launched during the height of Urkel’s power. They had cardboard cutouts at local grocery stores and everything!

It would be genuinely surprising if I needed to explain the Steve Urkel phenomenon, even to people under 35, but here we go: Urkel, played by Jaleel White, became inescapable to the general public by becoming inescapable to the Winslow family on the sitcom “Family Matters.” White’s sharp comedic timing, iconic outfits, and full commitment to Urkel’s broad nerdiness essentially made the character a live-action cartoon. He also became one of the most popular and recognizable TV characters of the decade.

Today, Urkel still stands as an enduring symbol of nerdiness. Even if most people have a passing understanding of Urkel, though, they may not understand how pervasive he was at his height. You could buy talking Urkel dolls, and judging by the sheer number of hits you get on an eBay search, they made way more than zero. He got Bea Arthur, the “The Golden Girls” star and straight man legend, to dance on television. This was the power Urkel lorded over America.

And so he (or, whoever was in charge of licensing his likeness, who I dearly hope but sincerely doubt shared a large amount of the profits with White) did what all Lords of America do: Release a breakfast cereal. Again—Urkel-Os. They’re real. “The Simpsons” Fandom Wiki backs me up.

Not surprisingly, every grocery store in the area, even the good ones, were fresh out of Urkel-Os, so I can not give you first-hand accounts of the taste. We’ll have to rely on the marketing for that. Luckily, according to Mr. Cereal, a cereal database of unknown accuracy and comprehension, promotional boxes of Urkel-Os boldly declared them to be “a fun, circle-shaped product.” Promising!

No cereal in the ’90s was complete without gimmicks and I am sorry to say Urkel-Os fell into the crass commercialism and gimmickry that plagues the once noble art of cereal making. Leading up to the 1992 election, you could get a box of Urkel-Os, complete with Steve in Uncle Sam regalia, that came with buttons that said “Urkel For President.”

The campaign failed, though, as Steve Urkel lost the popular vote not only to Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush, and Ross Perot, but also finished behind the Libertarian Party’s Andre Verne Marrou, the U.S. Taxpayers Party’s Howard Phillips, and the Populist’s Party’s Bo Gritz, a person I’m fairly convinced is an undetected prank by a Wikipedia editor.

Mr. Cereal details that other editions of the cereal boxes apparently featured a maze game called “Help Urkel Find Laura.” This may have seemed like innocent fun back then, but looking back, we as a society should have treated Laura a lot better. She didn’t want to be found!

As for how our favorite fun, circle-shaped product actually tasted, the flavor they were shooting for was strawberry banana, an admittedly underserved profile in the cereal market, unless there’s a Runts cereal I’m unaware of. It drew mixed reviews, with Mr. Cereal noting that “many remember it as tasting weird and artificial.”

But what does Mr. Cereal know? The people should decide. And while they didn’t turn out in numbers to ensure Urkel the Presidency, as of January 12, 2023, an astounding 2,758 folks on Mr. Cereal’s own website have turned out to vote it as the “Greatest Cereal of All-Time.” That’s not nothing. And the cereal itself had staying power, lasting from 1991 until it was discontinued in, incredibly, 2000. The ’90s were, true to the cereal’s promise, Urkel-ized.

Now, you may be writing letters to us, frustrated that we wasted your morning reading about a breakfast cereal that doesn’t exist anymore, rather than our usual informative deep dives, but guess what? I don’t have to take this. I’m going home.